Clarification.

This could be for you, but mostly for me.

Reasons why I am confused:
I long for him most of the day and I realise that this is mostly due to the notion that he suggests the possibilty of a male counterpart that reacts to me with affection and some form of love. That which I am otherwise lacking.
I never hear from him and then as soon as I am feeling that I have worked through the grief to the beyond feelings of relief, there he is again.
There are people in his world that still have dark cards playing in the distant corners of my heart and I feel that I may not be at ease with the idea of them becoming entwined in my world again.
I know that I am irrational in my feelings for him yet I also know that I know and I know that I don't know how to make it change.
There might be lying or the removal of certain pieces of information that then create a position from which lies can become clouded and not necessarily deemed as such.
I feel used sometimes and then I am unsure because perhaps I am doing the same.
Suggestions are tapping into my brain and become friends to the lonely thoughts, mixing and mingling and creating their own versions, that which confuse all the same.
I don't know anything that is beyond the plasticised walls of me knowing him and so the information that seeps through becomes powerful and encompassing and overwhelming in its simplicity - simply because it is usually sheltered and filtered.
I don't know what he thinks.
I don't know how he feels.
I do think I have too much brain time on my hands to think about it and I do wish there was another way around it.
He is probably never going to change his situation and I don't understand why.
But then perhaps that's where the lying, or the lacking comes back in, and it just isn't what it is made out to seem to be.
Any of it.

Lorks!

Rightio then..

Dot points because I'm tired and the snake is to blame:

Ross is still a dill. I wish he would go away..away away away. Well, not really of course, well, maybe, well, I don't know. He confuses me and I am easily confused.

I copped a pash at my mate Melly's wedding. You gotta love THAT dear readers! Cept, of course, he has a girlfriend - of which I had to remind him with morals a 'blazin after he started the game of tonsil hockey.. *sigh*

I am homeless. Groovy baby yeah. Its actually pretty good - in some ways! Though i really really do miss my little doggy. It would be better if I had actually saved some money from not paying rent - it seems that I have developed a give a shit attitude towards purchases because I know I have the money in my account. Stupid stupid stupid.

I head off on the Great Victorian Bike Ride this Friday! Cool! Pretty excited, yes! However - it did mean that I had to drop my bike off to my mate Ross for him to fix.. stupid stupid stupid..

All the babies that I know are all growing up WAY too fast - little Thomas, Jasper and the delightfully delicious Charlie Choo Charlotte! More *sigh*..

Which brings me to being old. In the time since I last was bored enough (or procrastinating basically) to put up a post here I somehow become 30. Or 20 10 as I like to put it. Now, I am not one of those normal oh my god I am turning thirty oh my god how old I am types - I am simply a little, well, twitchy about it because to me it represents a doorway through to a new level and, well, I just don't think I am ready for that level! I am still irresponsible, careless, unsure of my direction, lacking in focus and motivation, a whinger, a whiner, a dirty drunkard, a two bob flirt, without my intended successes and so on.
30? I mean seriously - that's grown up stuff! I still think like a teenager and I can't tell if and when that is going to change! And lets not even go into the part where I don't want to go through that door because I haven't even done the things I was going to do before I walked up to it..

* S I G H *

On the plus side - erm... a little help?

:P

Well now - an update of sorts I suppose..

Following my last mega-indulgent rant (you can find it filed under 'deargodwomanhaveyounothingbettertodo') it has become apparent to me that perhaps I WASN'T reading more into the whole situation than was necessary.
It took a week. One week later I got a text message that began the 'conversation' that led me to my understanding that he does indeed think of me in other ways than purely friendly ones.
And since then? Many brief conversations that kind of step around the subject in a way that would show that we are both trying to suss out the situation on the other end, a little innuendo, a little outtuendo, more exclaimations about how unhappy he is with 'her' and..and... and yes - of course - MORE thinking from me.
And for that I could spend hours recanting but to tell you the truth I really couldn't be bothered anymore. Which is interesting.
To summarise - I think if I tell him how I feel his intentions in any regard will only be adversly affected by it, I still don't really know the essence of my feelings AND I amjust going to leave it.
Surely if he feels that down the track he is interested then he will do something about it then? Surely... because CLEARLY he is doing what he feels is right with his current situation!!!
BWAH HAHAH HAHA HAAAAAA man I am tragic.....I mean, have you READ what I just wrote!?

*sigh*
Won't someone just call me an idiot and be done with it?

Oh - but on other notes - I did get the interview at the gallery..and they rang me soon after for a follow up. So we'll see how it goes... thanks megs XX
Snooz popped out a GORGEOUS little girl and I do promise to post a proper tribute to that.
School is ok. No really, it actually is. Which is nice.
I never did hear from Fred again, after we went out for a drink and dinner. But then hey, pretty used to that happening now and don't care too much!
Umm...what else....I suppose there might be some interest in the story about the firemen I had in my bedroom.... No? Oh ok then.. ^_^

Fuggit. Here it is then.

Dear Ross,
And so, for the past couple of days I reckon I have spent about, ooh, say ninety percent of my awake time thinking about you. Which differs to usual, becuase I usually avoid doing so unless you have taken time out of your life to contact me or I have had a little too much to drink..
I do not know what you think or feel about what did or did not happen. I would like to believe, or am trying to tell myself to believe for whatever self preservation reasons, that you DON'T in fact think or feel anything about it and you will go back to your stupid world and leave me back here floundering around in mine until I find something or someone else to fill that lazy quota of my thoughts.
I am confused.
You have never let me know in such a clear way that you would think of me as more than your 'mate', or your sister substitute, or whatever it is that I am meant to be to you, of the last eleven years or so.
What do you mean?
I hate that you let me know how miserable you are with 'her' (Yes folks! That's right! I have succumbed to making statements in the manner of a trashy romance novel!) and yet it never seems so bad that you could, would or ever seem likely to walk away.
And I have never wanted for you to do that to be with me. That is my fantasy but it does not impact upon the notion that I simply want you to be happy. Happier.
I hate that I have only seen you twice in a year. That I never hear from you on the phone and we never hang out like we used to. And of course things change, that is a given. But we have been so close for so many years that it frustrates me that we have drifted physically yet we still seem to have some kind of, I dunno, spiritual - emotional - whatever, bond. It seems ridiculous.
And that has nothing to do with the fact that about three and a half years ago I came to the realisation that I was emotionally attached to you. (I want to say 'in love with you' of course folks, but it just seems so wanky and cliched don't you think?)
It has nothing to do with that. I can easily push that aside to remain 'mates' with you and in being your friend is where the desire to see you happy, comes from.
You have had some pretty shitty girlfriends in my time that's for sure. And who knows - it may not just be them! It may be you too! (Though I do admit, that at least 2 of them were a little bit stalkery..)
What am I saying what am I saying..
*sigh*
I think that I have love for you that extends beyond friendship.
I am not totally resolved as to whether it is 'real' or simply because you represent someone who cares about me and that is what I really want in life.
I would assume from your recent behaviour that you feel the same way (point 1 not point 2).
However the rational part of me says that it is simply you finding an outlet for emotions that aren't being realised in your home life. (ooh...check THAT dear readers! Psychoanalysis!)

I am a fucking fool when it comes to you Ross. You have never been consistent with me. You don't show me enough that you care that I am in your life. You only seem to call on me when your world is empty. You don't go to pains to hang out with me. And you confuse me with your ambiguity of emotion.

So.

Why can I not stop thinking about how safe, and secure and so surrounded by you, that I felt when you had your arm around me and you stroked my leg and I could feel your heart beating?

(For fucks' sake people? Why haven't you taken me down and fitted me with some concrete shoes yet?? This nonsense can surely go on no longer!!)

Jesus Ross. It could have been so easy just to keep bashing through life thinking I was in love with you and that it would never matter because eventually I would wean off of the idea because you would never show any notion as to you feeling the same. It could have been so easy. I would, maybe, have met someone that I would actually fall in love with and you would be but a distant and wavering memory of the things my mind gets up to when bored and lonely. Easy. Peasy. Lemon squeasy.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

OR!!

(And this, devoted readers, is the best bit!!)

I am actually just reading more into the whole situation than is necessary.

(Now, would I do that?)

What's new. Or not...

Being President of the Tragically Bitter Singles Club, people often ask me "What's new with you?"
Um, do you really need me to bother trying to answer that?
I can fake it, make something up, pretend I am cataloguing the myriad dynamic and uber-exciting events of the past week or so, appear to be locating an anecdote at which to begin, flop open my GINORMOUS and BULGING social diary, phone a friend for help as I am so exhausted from my hectic whirlwind of a life...
Shall I go on?
What I usually answer with is thus -
"Mmm, nothing much, work, you know, stuff.."
When what I REALLY want to do is laugh maniacally with my eyeballs lolling in my skull and my arms flailing whilst kicking a wall and crying with hysterics at the HILARITY that is the assumption that A) Being a 'single girl' I would simlpy have to have some juicy juicy stories to tell of my day to day jaunts, B) That anything different would happen to one as boring as myself and C) That being a teacher would allow for much else during the working term.. (Note: There is a difference between the working term and the non-teaching break that is the "HOLIDAYS"...grrrr)

Things that shit me number one:
Teaching - regardless of whether you even try to not put a lot of effort in - takes up too much of your fucking time.
Supporting anecdote:
At a certain un-nameable, extraordinarily LARGE hardware chain warehouse recently I was told by the cashier that I was 'a good girl' for doing the purchasing I needed for the following week's classes in my 'own time'.
It was a Sunday.
I was buying buttloads of balsa wood and paint.
I let out a very loud and somewhat surprising, even to myself, squawk that sounded like a chicken trying to laugh maniacally in one quick burst.
This startled the poor woman and in order to not seem like a complete freakazoid I simply supported this HA! with the following :
'There is NO other 'time' to be doing this. There is ONLY 'my time'..'
I left her to lick her wounds and mumbled to myself on way to the carpark about something or other that included various rants about 'what other time is there?', 'just what the fuck do people think we do?' and proceeded to grumble to the steering wheel questions along the lines of 'surely there is another way', 'why?', 'why?' and 'why?'....
Anecdote postscript:
Note - Try not to mutter to yourself in any carpark...people tend to react badly to this and often sidle towards burly security guards.

Things that shit me number two:
That teaching really, really does suck up a lot of your own time.
(I am not even going to bother covering the extended Sub-headings of Things that shit me number one OR two because that rant will surely amuse on another ocassion and I wouldn't want to waste it.)
I guess what I will say for number two, that relates back to the question of 'What's new?' and targets directly Assumption A, is -
Exactly where and when am I going to meet these delicious young men with whom I am supposed to be having my illicit, raunchy and tumultuous affairs?
Supporting anecdote:
Fred, yes - he is still talking to me even after sending him an email that WASN'T the one I posted here but almost so similar that it is just like buying a Rolex in downtown Hanoi - Fred asked me the other day why it was that I was single?
After 3.5 seconds of speedy brain-googling to locate an appropriate answer that wouldn't frighten him away for good (rejected answers include references to the size of my arse, my shyness and inability to construct a conversation with a stranger, my scorpio tendencies of which I would need a whole OTHER rant to clarify and assorted articles related to a range of trivial topics the likes of which include housework, playing with others, routine, cynicism and committment..) I came back with "Well, where am I supposed to be meeting these guys?"
Some mutterings from Fred and I flew into my solo act 3: The joke about teenage boys..
Hilarity ensued but the point is thus - unless I want to dip my nib in the office ink (and man, is that ink baaaaaaad) or land myself with a little bit of jail time I really don't know what I should be doing to remove the apparently leper-like quality of being single.
Anecdote postscript:
Regardless of how funny it seems at the time - when I rant - there is truth and sometimes pain, sometimes annoyance in my ranting.
I get home at, say - 5 and I either go to the gym (to get hot for life with boys) or do more work (to pay for life with boys). At the close of both of these things I am usually too tired to even be bothered worrying about the apparent nutritional value of eating toast for dinner night after night and I go to bed at some nanna-esque time and get up grumpy in the morning to do it all again.
On the weekends - like now for example, if not outsourcing quantities of crapola for work, I try to do my own things but end up feeling guilty about not doing work and end up doing work and bitching and moaning about it to all and sundry over and over and over...

Things that shit me number three:
Yep, this one really shits me.
It's me.

Supporting anecdote..well, more a bunch of statements:
I whinge and moan about work but can't bring myself to change it.
I whinge and moan about work but am not even sure I want to change it.
I whinge and moan about boys but don't have the time or energy to change it.
I whinge and moan about boys but don't realise that all the whingeing and moaning would not be all that attractive to boys anyway even if I did meet one.
If I wasn't a Procrastinator - Class A, I may actually have more time for boys and not feel so repressed by work....

Am I done?
Yeah, I guess so. For now anyway..

But once I get this marking out of the way SO HELP ME WORLD!!!! (shakes fist at world..)

Just a quick one, dear Ether, to get excited in written format about the arrival of my dear friend Snake's lovely son Thomas Henry!
Much like the adorable Megs, Snake and his beautiful lady wife had a little trouble getting the baby making machine running on Version 1.0 without the help of some upgraded software downloads.. but in the end, everything has worked out just dandy!
Although, I am sure Snake was the one who was a little more excited about the 'quick' sixteen hour labour and 'average' 8 pound birth....
Big baby hugs and no, I am certainly not freakin' clucky, I just like a happy ending!
x

In the interests of, well, myself - I have just had the marvellous idea of posting the email, that is presently saved in my Drafts box, here.
I figure that it needs to be expelled in order for me to feel at ease with myself (well, not me really, more the STUPID little Insecurity Gremlins that live in my head..)...
It's a pretty good bet that there are only 2 people at most that read this and they already know how my insecurities can beat me up in dark corners when people have turned away to witness something interesting happening on the tellyvee, so it seems a good place to 'air' myself and have the words pushed forth into the ether. Kind of like the way in which people tell you to 'write that letter dammit' but not to EVER mail it.
So here you go ether -

Well, I feel I owe you this!

You have probably tried to call me a few times over the last two weeks (not me being smug, just figured you had) but I have either been out, away or had folk over!

So, Fred mutters to himself, why the heck haven't you hung out with me??

Well Mister Fred - because.

Because you have recently begun a new work challenge and therefore aren't as available as my holidays would like!

Because I can be lazy with this kind of thing - I am crap at making phone calls and crap at organising meeting up with people and then I lament it all later!

Because we have gotten along so well over the months in the way that we have that I feel no pressure to push it on at any kind of pace.

Because we seem to be friends and therefore there is no need for haste.

Because I have crammed my days too willy nilly at the last minute to be able to plan ahead at any rate.

Because whenever I think of a great time on my side for us to hang out I have left it too late or whatever and have assumed (yes, not fair) that you wouldn't be able to.

Because when I have thought of the best time for us to have or do I have left it too late and can't possibly organise it in time.

Because when I have just felt Yeah! I will just call him and see what he is doing! I have realised that I am covered in dirt or paint and wearing something terribly grotty.

Because when I drive through your neighbourhood on very frequent ocassion due to going to my friend in Canterbury I realise I have no idea where you live and (see the because directly above)

Because when I did plan for time to do so you actually were doing something or you said maybe not this weekend.

Because I either want it to be organised and where I can dress in uncomfortable but apparently nice looking things and you might think I am kind of lovely or where I can just bump into you and be everyday where it doesn't matter how I seem because we are mates anyway.

Because of Easter and stuff.

Because your mum came to visit (how was she? did you have fun? I haven't spoken to you for soooo long!)

Because my car is having troubles that are gonna cost me a kidney or two.

Because my friend Julie is having life troubles.

Because my friend Milly has just bought a house (yeah, it doesn't make sense when I read it back either!)

Because the end of the holidays always see me stressed and incoherent (ah, yes, well, see above for proof!)

Because

Because

Because

Lots of excuses but mainly because (My lovely friend Snooz pointed it out to me today - ) Because deep down I don't want to because deep down there is a part of me that just figures it will only go pear shaped for some reason or other and I do like having you as my crazy engineery long distance country grown think alike friend.

There. I said it. That's all. And you thought I was hiding something from you - well, that's it.
I am hiding being a girl from you.

Because I am and I think too much. *sigh* :P

So.

Ok.

Yeah.

Hmm........spose I better go and shave my toes or something....

PS. How IS your new job?????????

PPS. Do you like the theme song from Footloose?

PPPS. Do you know where I can get some kidneys from?

There.
And obviously I am not interested in someone named Fred...I did that cool thing where they change people's names in order to protect their identity...yeah...lucky.....because SOOOOOOO many people read this thing... idiot