22 today. No, not my birthday let alone anywhere NEAR my age these days, I mean 22 as in degrees.
For those of you who did not step out into the magic the day brought then I say that it was your loss. The first warm day since winter set in. The first twenty-plus day since god knows when.
And the last - technically - the last day of winter.
What a corker. In the spirit of such a day I sit, here as I wonder, in the front doorway of my crumbly little home atop the hillside. I can still feel the balmy warmth tinged breeze on my cheeks and I can still smell those delicious, heaven scent wafts of blossom and bloom.
We both stare out into the night, past the fairy lights, and pick up on the vibrations and the buzz of the atmosphere and of the night.
He sniffs for small furry critters and things unknown and I just let all the wonder take me and hold me and tell me that it will be ok, that the sun and the moon will look after me.
The whisper of spring. It gently blows in our ears and reminds us of things, moments, times, dreams and more that have lain still and quiet but softly aglow deep within us for many moons past.
And what do I wonder in this twinkly capsule of time?
I wonder what tomorrow will be like? I wonder if I am all I can be? I wonder if I make the right kind of mistakes? I wonder if I should say exactly what burns on the end of my tongue and at the base of my spine and in the hidden corners of my heart? I wonder what the people I love and care about and think about endlessly are doing and thinking and feeling right now?
I wonder if they smell the same smells and feel the same things? I wonder if I ran away, would it really matter? I wonder what summer will bring?
I wonder, I just wonder if it will bring those things that I seek and whether I will be loved.

Post-script.
This is to all of my treasured friends who have been bearing the brunt of these kinds of rants in their day to day. Without fail. And they still offer support...amongst the moments of rage... x

How do you determine what someone is actually like? If you have just met them, or not even met them - lord knows. Having just spent the last hour and a half 'chatting' with a young feller through the aforementioned, and never to be mentioned again interenet dating site, I am left - as usual - wondering.
Exactly what the hell does he think that I will be like when he meets me? Why me anyway?
Megs - you know her - says that perhaps I sabotage these things before they even have a chance. Know not what she is on about... not as if I spend time thinking...
So, I was thinking right, what do I project that appears then to be incorrect upon meeting or getting to know me? What judgements are being made of me? What exactly am I doing without my awareness? This young man, bless his cotton socks, thinks I am intriguing and worth getting to know. Ha! Poor soul. I wonder how far into our meeting we get before he is compelled to run down the street screaming...
Yeah yeah. I hear you. Don't be an idiot. Have a little more confidence. Blah blah blah.
Well, I don't see you getting out there and laying your bare naked psyche on the line time after time after time, only to have it sent back along with a little tag in red, Rejected.
No. That is right. So cheers to me regardless because I have a delicate soul, I am very sensitive and yet for some reason I keep going back.

Internet dating.
Heard of it? Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking, only losers, the desperate and those with serious personality malfunctions bother with internet dating. You may well be right. It's a strange little sub-world in there. I really am not sure how to take it. The grain of salt has to be pretty bloody big, doubt I can carry it somedays.
I kind of 'fell' into internet dating. You see - I just decided one day that I wanted to have a little perv at boys. Tragic I know but I bet I'm not the first. So in my little journey through the profiles I stumbled across a young feller with whom I used to work. We got along well when we worked together, or so I thought, until I reconsidered our time together when he disappeared from the site for a while after I tried to contact him... So maybe we never did get along that well. Either that or he freaked out and thought I 'wanted' him. Or there is the distinct possibility that he was just mortified that someone he knew knew he was there! Yeah, I'll take that one - better than rejection.
So from there it went on. It gradually turned from a little dalliance to me putting up a profile.
How amusing. I have become one of those 'losers' and 'desperate'.
Not necessarily so. Let's face it - where the heck do you meet nice boys these days? It seems that the friendship pool of single friends that could be introduced to other single friends has all but dried up. That, or my friends don't want to introduce their friends to me...
Anyway, the initial thril of recieving contact after contact was strong. Very strong. Strange that I have never had that much interest out there in the 'real' world. My curiosity knows no bounds and I relentlessly pored over these profiles and replied to emails.
You'd think it would have stirred something right? That the probability of meeting a nice young blerk would have been quite high right? Well...
It seems the negatives of internet dating are overwhelming. I don't even know where to start with that. But I can probably summarise a few of them for now.
1. Rejection. Hoo boy. What a doozy. I don't think that I will ever be good with rejection. Even when you take that step to contact someone and the neat packaged little rejection that you recieve is simply only chosen from a form list it still hurts a bit. Or it could just be me. So from that to actually meeting someone...scary.
2. Outlines. People can tend to be very thorough with their expectations of a woman - or a man I guess too - and sometimes what they put out there is fairly full on. I find that I get quite introspective when I read the many must be's. Must be easy going, must be fit, must be outgoing, must be without emotional baggage, must be small of the arse...
Well. It just forces you to wonder if you are or if you aren't and then either way is it a bad thing or a good thing and what can be done or not done and and.... Basically I just find that I think too much and that trying to pin point what you do or do not want in a person is a little ludicrous and rather unrealistic. If you meet someone and you feel something I bet you aren't thinking about whether they recycle or not.

My desk.
I must be sick - I miss it.
It is a lot tidier these days though.
No really...it is...
God I'm bored.
Bored.
Bored.
Bored.
Oprah sucks.

Geez, I tell you what, there is a certain downside to being home sick and not actually being of mind enough to do any work. Daytime television. There. I said it. It's out there. Now let us break it down.
On the plus side you have... no wait...um....hang on hang on, let me think...ah... Well look - here is a confession - there is a positive and it is being able to watch Neighbours twice a day. I know I know. I am despicable. I wholeheartedly agree. It is awful but in a very amusing way. Here you have fantastic cringe-tv. The best in fact.
You have that little wanna-be-pop-starlet-paris-hilton-try-hard-not-quite-jason-donovan Stephanie Mackintosh walking around for half an hour undertaking some brilliant method acting. Wow. What a talent. She is amazing. All she needs to do to let us know all about the trials and tribulations of being a late teens pregnant woman is....wait for it...it's quality...She has one hand on her stomach at all times. All times. Amazing. I could not have summed it up better myself. What a talent...
I was telling my friend Megs about this as she is newly pregnant and a little bit lost as to what to do with her hands. Sums it up. Of course! She says. And here was me thinking that all I should really be doing was concerning myself with Betas and blood tests and the possibility of miscarriage!
Oh poor Megs. Where would she have been without Neighbours to light the way of Truth.
Neighbours also offers post-modernist theories on relationships. Bingo! Have sex with everyone who lives in your street and in particular, your psycho boss who has a fetish for killing people and if that doesn't grab you, the brother of your ex-boyfriend OR the ex-boyfriend of your best friend OR...I could go on.
Again, wow. My life is sorted. What was I thinking. Here was l'il ol' me, pondering life's What Ifs and whilst wasting my time concerning myself with being a better person and focusing on finding love and committment and honesty, I have completely overlooked the Truth!
Oh Neighbours...thankyou... *sob*

So, this is Derryn. He is my boyfriend. Just to let you know that you don't have to worry about me being home and sick and alone. No fear! Derryn is very compassionate and understanding. He is patient and quiet and he delivers upon me a loving, warming gaze. All the time. It's a shame about his fashion sense but other than that, you might say that he is the perfect man...

Ok. So. Right. Well now. Here I am, sick on the couch - again. This is simply a matter of filling the time whilst avoiding completing any actual work. My mind is full of germs and as the space is already cramped with thoughts and wonders, I am finding it hard to concentrate on much at all.
So, to the blog I turn. Like so many before me I am sure. It is surely nothing new. I am hardly a trail blazer here but hey, everyone wants to feel loved right? Right? So what better way to obtain that sense of worth than by crapping on and on and on....