To my friends - I am sorry that my expectations are so high and that I might overlook the earnestness of your love.

Ok. Here is why I am screaming at the computer and telling the dog to get away from me and yelling toward the boiling pot of water to hurry the fuck up and .. and.. and crying.
My birthday. Tomorrow. I have basically shot myself in the foot without even waiting to see if that was what I really should be doing.
Every year. Every year I expect. I expect and expect and every year I am disappointed.
I want not for presents or material posessions. Nor do I largely want for cards and flowers.
I want.
Nay.
I need.
I need to be shown love. I always dream that my birthday will be the day, the slice of the year during which I will be overwhelmed by feelings of love and overwhelmed by the notion that people need for me to be there, here, around. That it is going to be when I feel my worth, people are desperate to ensure I am surrounded and ensconced in their love and warmth and that there is no possible way that I will be alone nor will I feel unwanted or ignored or just, simply like everyone else.
How fucking selfish is that.
But that is the way I feel.
I don't want to have to remind people.
I don't want to make my own arrangements for celebrations.
I don't want to make the bookings.
I don't want to tell people it is ok that they can't make it even though it has nothing to do with me.
Yes. I really am acting like a child. I know. I am not unaware.
Maybe this way, if I write it down, I can start to get past it.
Hello, Der to it probably having a lot to do with self esteem, with family 'ishoos' and with god knows what else.
It gets me down. I just want to be loved and I just want to be adored.
As we get older we are told that birthdays become irrelevant, they are for children.
Well, I figure that in this day and age where - as we get older - there is less and less to celebrate and more and more to stress about, why on earth wouldn't we take birthdays as a time to show joy and have fun.
For children? Yes. Well, there is still a small child in all of us.
And mine just wants to be overwhelmed with love and affection.
And a pony would be ok too.