Fuggit. Here it is then.

Dear Ross,
And so, for the past couple of days I reckon I have spent about, ooh, say ninety percent of my awake time thinking about you. Which differs to usual, becuase I usually avoid doing so unless you have taken time out of your life to contact me or I have had a little too much to drink..
I do not know what you think or feel about what did or did not happen. I would like to believe, or am trying to tell myself to believe for whatever self preservation reasons, that you DON'T in fact think or feel anything about it and you will go back to your stupid world and leave me back here floundering around in mine until I find something or someone else to fill that lazy quota of my thoughts.
I am confused.
You have never let me know in such a clear way that you would think of me as more than your 'mate', or your sister substitute, or whatever it is that I am meant to be to you, of the last eleven years or so.
What do you mean?
I hate that you let me know how miserable you are with 'her' (Yes folks! That's right! I have succumbed to making statements in the manner of a trashy romance novel!) and yet it never seems so bad that you could, would or ever seem likely to walk away.
And I have never wanted for you to do that to be with me. That is my fantasy but it does not impact upon the notion that I simply want you to be happy. Happier.
I hate that I have only seen you twice in a year. That I never hear from you on the phone and we never hang out like we used to. And of course things change, that is a given. But we have been so close for so many years that it frustrates me that we have drifted physically yet we still seem to have some kind of, I dunno, spiritual - emotional - whatever, bond. It seems ridiculous.
And that has nothing to do with the fact that about three and a half years ago I came to the realisation that I was emotionally attached to you. (I want to say 'in love with you' of course folks, but it just seems so wanky and cliched don't you think?)
It has nothing to do with that. I can easily push that aside to remain 'mates' with you and in being your friend is where the desire to see you happy, comes from.
You have had some pretty shitty girlfriends in my time that's for sure. And who knows - it may not just be them! It may be you too! (Though I do admit, that at least 2 of them were a little bit stalkery..)
What am I saying what am I saying..
*sigh*
I think that I have love for you that extends beyond friendship.
I am not totally resolved as to whether it is 'real' or simply because you represent someone who cares about me and that is what I really want in life.
I would assume from your recent behaviour that you feel the same way (point 1 not point 2).
However the rational part of me says that it is simply you finding an outlet for emotions that aren't being realised in your home life. (ooh...check THAT dear readers! Psychoanalysis!)

I am a fucking fool when it comes to you Ross. You have never been consistent with me. You don't show me enough that you care that I am in your life. You only seem to call on me when your world is empty. You don't go to pains to hang out with me. And you confuse me with your ambiguity of emotion.

So.

Why can I not stop thinking about how safe, and secure and so surrounded by you, that I felt when you had your arm around me and you stroked my leg and I could feel your heart beating?

(For fucks' sake people? Why haven't you taken me down and fitted me with some concrete shoes yet?? This nonsense can surely go on no longer!!)

Jesus Ross. It could have been so easy just to keep bashing through life thinking I was in love with you and that it would never matter because eventually I would wean off of the idea because you would never show any notion as to you feeling the same. It could have been so easy. I would, maybe, have met someone that I would actually fall in love with and you would be but a distant and wavering memory of the things my mind gets up to when bored and lonely. Easy. Peasy. Lemon squeasy.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

OR!!

(And this, devoted readers, is the best bit!!)

I am actually just reading more into the whole situation than is necessary.

(Now, would I do that?)