Clarification.

This could be for you, but mostly for me.

Reasons why I am confused:
I long for him most of the day and I realise that this is mostly due to the notion that he suggests the possibilty of a male counterpart that reacts to me with affection and some form of love. That which I am otherwise lacking.
I never hear from him and then as soon as I am feeling that I have worked through the grief to the beyond feelings of relief, there he is again.
There are people in his world that still have dark cards playing in the distant corners of my heart and I feel that I may not be at ease with the idea of them becoming entwined in my world again.
I know that I am irrational in my feelings for him yet I also know that I know and I know that I don't know how to make it change.
There might be lying or the removal of certain pieces of information that then create a position from which lies can become clouded and not necessarily deemed as such.
I feel used sometimes and then I am unsure because perhaps I am doing the same.
Suggestions are tapping into my brain and become friends to the lonely thoughts, mixing and mingling and creating their own versions, that which confuse all the same.
I don't know anything that is beyond the plasticised walls of me knowing him and so the information that seeps through becomes powerful and encompassing and overwhelming in its simplicity - simply because it is usually sheltered and filtered.
I don't know what he thinks.
I don't know how he feels.
I do think I have too much brain time on my hands to think about it and I do wish there was another way around it.
He is probably never going to change his situation and I don't understand why.
But then perhaps that's where the lying, or the lacking comes back in, and it just isn't what it is made out to seem to be.
Any of it.